allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
