Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
