come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
