What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
