I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
