Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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