bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
