What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
This show inspires me to have sex in space
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I would fuck him just for his dog
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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