Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
