I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
