I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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