drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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