His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
