Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
