I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
