Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
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