I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
