Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
