I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
ok first of all what the fuck
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
