Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
