I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
