What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
