I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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