Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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