who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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