I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
