wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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