I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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