Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
