Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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