Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Randomize
