i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
