god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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