I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
