True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just cropdusted the office
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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