I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
