Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
