im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
