I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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