I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize