There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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