You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
