so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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