you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Randomize
