I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
