No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
