ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
