Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Someone came in the potted fern
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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