I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
