Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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