you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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