I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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