My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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