And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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