Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
