I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
