Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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