Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
